Gay Love Island - Season 1, Episode 0: Villa Tour!

~ Villa Tour ~ 

 Izzy: Welcome to heaven on Earth...welcome to Gay Love Island!

Izzy: We're here in the beautiful tropical heaven SimLua Isles, home of the Villa! Soon, we'll get our first look at where our handsome gays will be spending the next six weeks or so, something like that - you can never be sure how long things will take, what with twists and turns I can just throw at our Gaycationers whenever I feel like it...damn, no, they've got things planned out, I can't be too crazy. Anyway! 

Izzy: Perhaps you have no clue who I am! You're hearing this sexy voice in your ears, and thinking...why'd they not get a gay man to host? Well, I'm Izzy, formally...well, I can't quite speak about my past, but hey, I was on The Mole, twice! And I'm incredibly...qualified to host the show! I ain't gay, I ain't a man, but what gay man could be more suited than me? Grape? Ha, he could never. 

Izzy: Moving on! Here in the SimLua Isles, we had a team of dedicated handsome men - 

Tiger: Aww, Izzy, it was all me, but thanks for the compliment! 

Izzy: - build the Villa for us...and here we are now, the house with a view! 

Overlooking the soothing ocean waves, the Villa is built with the gays in mind - everything they need to fall in love and get down and dirty is right beyond those front doors! 

Izzy: Heya cuties, it's me, in the flesh! 

Don't I look incredible today? I told them, when they were helping me get ready for today, that I wanted to look simply the best for you all - after all, first impressions are super important! Not that anyone watching tonight hasn't met me...you all watched The Mole, huh? You better have!

I fucking killed it. 

Izzy: Follow me! I'll give you a tour of the place! 

Izzy: This show, while based on a popular format of reality show that I have no claim over and can't be sued for, because I'm doing this out of an agreement with the original creator/s...this show! It's different, fresh, wild, sexy, incredible! Because every contestant that steps through these gates will be gay, boldly, truly - none of those "I'm straight but a dick or two wouldn't hurt" type guys.

They will be executed. 

Izzy: Leading in through the gates, we come to the pool, the first of many features in the backyard! 

Izzy: A water feature! The gays can come into the pool, swim around, make out underneath the raining down water and then...well, you know what happens next, hey? Anything can happen in the pool. 

It's not at all shaped like a dick. 

I didn't suggest that, hehe. 

Why would I? 

Izzy: Over here, we have a cutesy little seating area, where the gays can chat about their loves, about their heartbreaks, about whatever is on their mind at that moment! Here, and other spots perfectly placed with the gays in mind, are just right for a crucial part of this game - actually god damn talking! 

Because sometimes people just stay stupidly quiet and then your whole relationship falls a-damn-part. 

Let's keep moving! 

Izzy: We call this The Shed, but there aren't any tools in here - yet! Yeah I have no clue if we have some big douches in this season, that's where I was going with this...could be some real tools sitting on that couch someday! 

Anyway! The Shed holds many secrets, like the photobooth, and something else...more later! 

Izzy: Over here by the pool, we have a few loungers, for that by-the-pool gossiping and kinda sun tanning, but Health and Safety said we better put umbrellas in because, like, health and safety! Yeah. 

We also have a hot tub, because it seemed like the exact sort of thing we needed in a house for you know, gay guys that want to get laid...I mean find love! Find loooooove!!!!

Izzy: Just beyond the hot tub we have a firepit, for all your fire needs! Fiiiiire! I used to look like fire, with my flaming hair, but now I look like snow! But am I colder? Uh uh. Nope. Preposterous. 

Izzy: Here we have a little stage area, where important - very important - ceremonies will take place. And! A bar! Because these gays need to get drunk, like a lot, it's how relationships happen! Just kidding...but it is in their contracts to partay! But more on these ceremonies...this is the area where one by one, contestants will say goodbye, after the ever-important match-up ceremonies.

Izzy: Also, yes! We have a table tennis table! And some more seating, because people get tired...me included, I hope I get to sit down soon, please? Yay! 

With that, you've seen all you really do need to see of the backyard! The pool, the Shed, the seating - oh so much seating! - the ceremony area, the hot tub, the bar, the table tennis table...too much to remember, so busy! 

Let's keep going! 

Izzy: Heading up a few little stairs - they're gay stairs, naturally, I pushed so hard to have those installed - up here, we have the kitchen/dining area. Part protected by a roof, part exposed to the great outdoors, the kitchen and dining area will be a hub for the contestants to eat, talk - as usual - and shelter from any rain, storm, whatever, while still enjoying outside. 

Izzy: It's very colourful and bright, but this whole house is, really. It's gay, happy, you know, it's not dull - it never could be, it never will be. And they can make pizzas! We'll always provide them with the stuff they need to whip up yummy pizzas, to use as a bribe, for you know, d- sorry, I mean, for friendship! 

Seriously, let me say 'for dick'. 

Izzy: There's just one door around here I need to explain before we head inside. It's down near the Shed, sort of opposite it. Ever been in the pool, and you have that feeling, and you're like - oh brother, I better jump up and pee, or else this pool will smell of my urine, and that's just bad - well! 

Izzy: Easy access to a bathroom! It has a sink, a toilet, and a shower, in case you want to, uh, hose off after a swim. The bathroom also has access to the rest of the house, so our Gaycationers can use it to sneak inside and scare the daylights out of someone! Hehe, or they can leave their trunks here, probably the reason we built it like this.
Means they're gonna get naked in front of this mirror. Good. 

Izzy: Moving back here, let's head on inside! 

Notice we have two refridgerators. Yep. Classy. 

And a BBQ. Because sausages. 

Izzy: Coming in from outside, here we have the living room! Just another seating and talking space, really, but it's good here, especially for any inside-announcements, like "Hey gays, it's time to go outside!" Those sorts of things. Do we have any nerds that like chess? Because that piece was pretty cheap, pretty light, and I think we hid something cheeky in there!

Nah, I'm just kidding, we're not allowed to give the gays dildos. 

Izzy: Honestly this space was empty and we couldn't fit much in it, so you have this, fairly empty sitting area! For more talking! 

See, you could ever play some sort of dirty card game there on the carpet, actually plenty of room for it, especially if we end up with like twenty people in here - oh no, not at once! Of course not. 

Izzy: Here we have the diary room, where our gays can come in and moan and whine about their drama, because what's a reality show without somewhere to chat to a camera, and not feel threatened! You know, they can definitely also come in here to talk about their crushes, but like...so much more exciting if it's drama that's been stirred up. Like...

Izzy: "I can't believe John! That piece of shit. One day he's telling me he loves me, everything is fine, and then...the next day, today of all days, he's out there flirting with Dylan, and it wasn't just talking, no, they were touching each other - they were flirting! I'm so mad, so distraught, so devastated! He promised me yesterday he'd love me forever - and now, Dylan!?! That bitch looks like a trash panda." 

Izzy: Onto the next room! This way, please, don't hit your head! 

Sorry, no, the door isn't shorter, I just wanna play jokes! 

Like this one, ready...ahhhh I'm bleeding! 

Giles: No you're not. 

Izzy: Oh hey you guys, what are you doing here? *wink wink*

Kyle: Well, we were just in the neighbourhood and - 

Giles: I'm back on the market, everyone -

Kyle: He means that we thought we'd, you know, come and join you here at Gay Love Island! 

Giles: Yep, that's how you translate my sentence into bullshit English - 

Kyle: Giles - 

Giles: Sorry. I'm so happy to be here, with you all, dear viewers - this season of Gay Love Island is set to be incredible, filled with romance, adventure, and shocks that'll leave you scorned! 

Izzy: I'm glad you're here, actually, I needed to talk - 
Giles: When do the cute gays arrive? 
Izzy: Soon, but that's not it, hot stuff. 
The two of you are cut. Early polls indicated that having three people tramping around in this house all the time is excessive, and honestly, my mother and father would fucking agree! Sorry, they're not important...

Giles: Wait no no no you can't cut out the gay guys - 
Kyle: She can, and she has. Come on, doofus. 
Izzy: It's nothing personal! Our early viewers of the ad have said there's no need for you to be here always - but like, maybe, I might bring you back, Giles. Kyle...uh, I love you babe, but you're overkill. 

 Izzy: Out, damned spot! 
You're hogging this cute little seating room we built because we had the space, everything is about sitting down in this place! It's terrific! 
Giles: But what if they don't put a condom on right! 
Izzy: You really think I can't tell someone how to be gay?
Watch my sex-tape again, Giles. Go on.  

Izzy: Anyway! Back to the tour! 
Let's go! 

Izzy: Coming back into the central room of the house, though don't ever ask me if it's actually central, I hate math...we have the bedroom, right through here! Follow me you cuties! 

No, not you two, go away, I'm filming the tour, didn't you hear? 

The bedroom! 

Izzy: Once the gays have all partnered up, they'll be sleeping together in here! Two to a bed, unless you end up miserable and single - then you face eviction from the villa, if you can't find someone else to fall head over feet for. It's a fairly simple bedroom. Nothing too aggressive. Except for the rainbow of beds. Because gays. 

Izzy: Through the door is the bathroom, for all your, you know, bathroom needs. Any party, the gays will get ready for in here, because we didn't have any room for dressing room after some early miscalculations! But enough about miscalculations, that's the past! 

You don't still hold me responsible for having a stick up my ass in the past, do you? 

Izzy: Some showers, out in the open, because if you're planning on going to bed with him, well why the hell are you embarrassed to see his butt now? We all have butts. Move forward! Slap that booty. 

Only with consent, because if you don't have consent, we may be sued. 

And you don't want to see Izzy behind bars without consent. 

Izzy: There's a little hallway to the left of the bedroom, just an entrance way, some days I might come in through here to twist things up, most of them I'll use the gate because this door has a weird-looking unicorn guarding it, and that bitch hates me...kidding, it's stuffed, I had it shot...kidding, again! 

Also more seating! Yaaaaay! 

Izzy: We have one more door in the main house. This one. Pretty, huh? What could possibly be behind it? Well, why don't we check it out? 

Come on, it's not a death trap! 

I promise. 

Izzy: This is one of two private rooms for the couples, or non-couples, to enjoy. Called The Swanky Lounge, this room is dark, seductive, and always open! Like any sex dungeon...just kidding, this isn't that sort of place, any incredibly naughty and dangerous stuff will be immediately reported to the police men...but make out passionately here all you wish. 

The show we are borrowing the concept of this show from, Love Island, doesn't have a room like this...but Are You the One does *wink* 

Izzy: And the other private room...well, it's behind these gates. This one, called the Hideaway, is much more relaxed, PG-friendly, and much more wholesome. It's a place for the gays to come and get to know each other more personally, as well as somewhere for me to sleep every now and then when I'm real tired and it's too hard to get to the hotel. So most nights. 

I'm not even joking. 

Izzy: I'll wash everything before the guests come in, though. Don't worry. 

Anyway! Here we have the kitchen, with heaps of appliances, a desk and computer, a pull-up thing so you can work out in here too, so you don't go back the next day with fat you didn't ask for...I mean, no, nothing like that. 

But eat as much as you'd like in here! We insist. 

Izzy: The lounge area. A TV with only a select number of programs, one of those being the live tapes of Gay Love Island, so you can spy. Another being Jetset, because you should be able to watch that snack Eugene before he goes home on repeat, and The Mole - all of my episodes are favourited, for your convenience. Hehe, let's go to the bedroom! 

Izzy: Here it is! To get a good view of it, yeah we came outside, but it's not the biggest room in the world. Isn't there a sort of intimacy to a small bedroom? You don't lose each other so easily. Well, I do hope whoever ends up in here will feel very comfortable. The mattress is incredible. I should know, I slept here last night. Anyway, moving on! 

Izzy: Another bathroom! There are three in total here, but no one can dip into this one if they just came from the pool! Nope. Don't even ask. 

This one needs to stay incredibly clean. 

Or else I'll have to call Diane. 

Diane: I am not a maid, not at all. 

Izzy: Fine. I'll call Brock. That'll work. I'll tell him Diane did it better. 

Izzy: And that dressing room we were gonna get? Well, here it is. Another bedroom. Why? 
Because intruders come. Intruders go. Your place in the villa is not always safe, certainly not if no one wants to couple up with you. This is a game of finding a connection. A true connection. And if there's nothing...you can say goodbye. 

 Izzy: There it is! From the drone, here's our villa! The house, the backyard, the Hideaway, the pool, everything! Right on the beachfront. It's a beautiful place to be, and we're one step closer to filling it, because look there - our first gay is arriving now! 

Izzy: Next time: we meet the first Gaycationers, and the first coupling ceremony will turn heads as one side of the house has the chance to judge a book by its cover! As everyone gets settled into the villa, who will mesh with who, and will there be drama on Day 1? Keep watching, you hot angels, for more me, for more gays, and for more Gay Love Island! 

Coming so soon.